After looking, it hasn't been as long as I thought it had since I last posted. At this point, I am finished with this semester as college, although I didn't do as well as I had hoped, I have a 3.5 GPA overall. Considering that a good friend of mine passed away, I started homeschooling the kids again, I did a few photo shoots, and I was going to school full time myself, it's a wonder I haven't pulled out all my hair yet. By the last day of class, I was like a pressure cooker, I had to let off the steam somewhere, and it just so happened that it took place during one of my final exams. All my hard work this semester went down the drain with that bad test grade.
Because of all this stress, I have been seriously thinking about wether or not I should continue my own education. I am struggling to find the balance I need and it seems to be the one thing that doesn't fit into my life right now. I am studying to become a sign language interpreter, and the further I go in the program, the more I find myself asking when will things get any easier, or when will they smooth out a little. I drive 50 miles to class and then 50 miles back home. Living outside of the big city has its many advantages, but after I finish school, I will then be seeking employment, which will also be in the big city. Even with financial aid, there is a hardship on my family when I am going back and forth to school. I know that once I get a job, the fiscal burden will change a little, but will it really make that much of a difference? And then, what about the kids. Even though it is a labor of love, homeschooling is our best option. I find myself then asking, "if I am struggling with balance now with college and a somewhat regular schedule, how will I ever manage a full time job and homeschooling." Some people say, "Just put them in public school." They have been in the past, and it is just not a sacrafice that our family is willing to make. They are only small for a short time. Before long, they will be grown up and they will leave the nest, but until that time, I want to enjoy them. Mom used to say to me, "you can't have your cake and eat it too!" I understand that all to well now.
Maybe I am just having a pity party, but I feel like I am capable of so much more; but nothing ever seems to turn out as good as I had hoped. Maybe my expectations are set to high, thus I am doomed to fail. I don't feel like the things I want in life are so unobtainable. I think part of the lesson I need to learn is that it's ok not to be perfect. I know that I am not perfect by any means. I do think that I am an intelligent individual, and I feel like I am a failure when I am not the best. I don't like the I am overweight, but I don't have the drive or ambition to change it. I know that there are many beautiful people in this world and that God created us all different. The talents and assest he has given me did not include worldly beauty, and for the most part I am ok with that. He also didn't bless me with an abundance of money, and becuase of that, I have developed my creativity and can use it for him. How then can I view my life through His eyes so that I can appreciate what he has given me.
Many people have told me in the past that I am very blessed, and that I am so talented. I just wish I could see my life from their perspective sometimes. It's like that old saying 'You are your worst critic.' I'm sure I am, but I don't know how to see it from another point of view. Its like my lenses are scratched or damaged some how because I don't see the same picture of me that others see. Can I borrow you specs?
